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You’ve done this terrible thing to me, and you did it in front of them all.
You showed who I really was and she, she was there and saw.
Now, the world hates me, there isn’t one who would hear my plea.
And its because of you, you terrible fiend, that my power will never come to be.
My image is ruined, my relations are tarnished, and that girl,
She saw and she, she was the key to it all.

Run you bastard!
Run through the street!
Run on and let them all see!
You, being chased by me.
But you’re afoot,
And I,
On steed -
And  now I’ve cornered you,
And now it is I who will not hear your plea.

You took off my mask and let them all see!

But you are a beast – they’d all been deceived!

You’re not one to meddle with my rise to power!
I was so close and still could be,
but you told them all, as well as she!

Men like you should not have such power!
You’d throw the world into its darkest hour!

Shut up you dog! You beggar!
Now I am nothing! I’m ruined! I must start anew elsewhere!
I worked for years – spent a quarter of my life building this affair!
You’re the reason for it! You’ve ruined it all!
Now you're cornered, now you will fall!
With this sword I will end your false heroics once and for all!

Killing me does nothing for you, now!

Shut your mouth!
I will have my--
©2004-2009 ~Ramuel
:iconramuel:

Author's Comments

I have no idea what the hell this is - and I wrote it.
Please comment, I need to know what people think on this one...

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconcilphex:
South! I will have my south!

Right?

...

Of everything you've written I like this the most.

--

Hypo Thesis. Not hypothesis, Hypo Thesis:
Is the dude talking to himself? Probably not, but the way at the end, how he tells the other guy to shut his mouth, and then he himself stops talking, the idea popped into my head. Like the two guys are one in the same.

To expand, perhaps, if there is ever to be a revision or second version, I'd add some more in about why the girl is so important. "She was the key to it all," and everything, but why? It'd also be rad if this ghastly thing that was done was revealed at the end, if there is a specific act, unless it's just a metaphor for any number of plug-ins.

Excellente, Ramuel.



Oh, ohhh man... Ohhh, what's this.... WHat is it...? Wha. . Oh! plus equelz teh favz0r!

-Cil
:iconramuel:
Whoa, man. You rule. I dont think he's talking to himself, but I guess he could be...
And your write, I should elaborate on the girl and maybe even the act, I thought that as I wrote it, but sometimes you have to go where the words lead, and the words didnt lead to that.
If I were to revise, I would add more about the girl, but probably not about the act. The act is really not so important to the "story"
Thanks a ton for the +fav
Cray = teh 133tsauce
-Ramuel
:iconpanther-nora:
This is really good. I like it.
it makes me wonder what he did that was revealed...
and what was the situation in which he was revealed...

of course, it makes no diference to the story, but it makes me wonder.

out of curiosity, is the last sentence unfinished because he dies?
:iconramuel:
I'm glad you like it.
And the last sentance can mean whatever you want.
I didnt picture him dying, but its not for me to decide.
The only thing is that he stopped talking before he said revenge...
:iconahmose:
I agree that you could elaborate on the girl. But so far, this is definately one of your best works. It has a more traditional feel to it, and that seems to be your talent. You've also managed to capture the reader and make them keep reading to the end and wanting for more. Excellent job, and a definate fave.

--
Aspire to be yourself.
:iconramuel:
Thank you so much, my friend. I'll keep that in mind.
:iconahmose:
no prob.

--
Aspire to be yourself.
:iconsora195:
I love the feelings that cross my mind as i read this piece, the emotions have a raw sensation or feeling to them. And i like the story. I also agree with my fellow readers in that an elaboration on the girl would be beneficial, but not entirely necessary. The ending was another thing i appreciated, it leaves the reader to come up with their own conclusions on how it ends, and causes them to continue thinking over the poem long after they've finished it. A sign of a truly great work.
:iconbayleeslight:
This kind of drew me into it like a good story and I could feel the rage and betrayal and the blood thirsty need for revenge. Some pretty kick ass writing here. In addition, I would have to agree with most everyone that if you should choose to add on to this I would give just the tiniest of details about the girl to intrigue the reader and let them know what was so special about her that she is worth such a fight. That would be cool but it's still good writing even without that.

--
baylee

"Stewie: Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!" - Family Guy
:iconramuel:
Thanks a bunch, everyone seems to agree on the girl part...
I'll keep that in mind for revision.
Thank you as always!

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January 4, 2004
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